(no subject)
Jun. 12th, 2010 11:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catrionaI'm still here, but it's been a rough couple of months. I want to say the worst is over (and believe that life is done screwing me over for a while - exactly how many more things can go wrong? Except that I'm way too paranoid right now to tempt fate by seriously asking that) but I'm still in reaction mode. Fiction, stories, have always been my safe haven and I'm having a hard time not just curling up and letting the real world go by without me. I'm missing something and I don't know what I need. Every time I try to do something new it feels like the universe just laughs and slaps me back down.
On the upside, I've pretty much come out of the fannish (fanish?) closet to one of my closest friends. It's awesome. Often I don't feel that I fit in very well with most of fandom, for several reasons. I'm not loud and opinionated (I'd rather listen and talk to one or two people at a time, not everyone). I also don't find people hot. Occasionally I'll find someone aesthetically pleasing, but some days when it seems all I come across is gushing and raving over various people's hotness, I just feel left out. And last but not least, the more passionate about something I am, the less I tend to be open about it. I've played things close to the vest since I can remember and this whole opening up thing is still in progress for me. So yeah, I told her about my huge Doctor Who love, spent time with people who were so very unabashedly obsessed with their favorite tv show and then found the courage to open up a bit more. For me this was amazing.
I have a lurking fear that this friend is going to find out how much I need her right now, with all the other shit that's been going on in my life, and find me too clingy. I don't know how much I can lean on her. However, even if I tell her nothing more about how I'm really doing right now, she's already helping me immensely by putting one wonderful bright spot in my week.
On the upside, I've pretty much come out of the fannish (fanish?) closet to one of my closest friends. It's awesome. Often I don't feel that I fit in very well with most of fandom, for several reasons. I'm not loud and opinionated (I'd rather listen and talk to one or two people at a time, not everyone). I also don't find people hot. Occasionally I'll find someone aesthetically pleasing, but some days when it seems all I come across is gushing and raving over various people's hotness, I just feel left out. And last but not least, the more passionate about something I am, the less I tend to be open about it. I've played things close to the vest since I can remember and this whole opening up thing is still in progress for me. So yeah, I told her about my huge Doctor Who love, spent time with people who were so very unabashedly obsessed with their favorite tv show and then found the courage to open up a bit more. For me this was amazing.
I have a lurking fear that this friend is going to find out how much I need her right now, with all the other shit that's been going on in my life, and find me too clingy. I don't know how much I can lean on her. However, even if I tell her nothing more about how I'm really doing right now, she's already helping me immensely by putting one wonderful bright spot in my week.